final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There's always time for handjobs
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
