In the future we'll all be gay
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
