New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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