naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
