i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Terrible idea I love it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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