My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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