I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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