This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
