He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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