When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
