Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
