Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize