i'm lost and i look like a hooker
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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