I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
