Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
