In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
