if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
