Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
please don't ironically join a cult
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