And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
