why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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