Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
