I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
