Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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