Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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