I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
