I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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