The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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