Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
