saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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