dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
