Im at strip club and am horny
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
