You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
