i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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