I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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