apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
