Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
