I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
