Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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