i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
