I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
