Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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