oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
