someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
