Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think I died a long time ago.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
babies were throwing up all over the place
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
