dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
