how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
