So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
