So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
