You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
