Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
