You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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