I just cut my nipple shaving
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
